get to the point [EDITED]

– Sitting alone. Went to Urban Outfitters and Thrift World to kill time, but I mostly spent the day alone and painfully bored— almost depressingly so. I called Jason, but he was busy and hasn’t called me back yet. I don’t know how I feel about that.

– I just wish someone would IM me.

– On top of that, I had a confusing and kind of exhausting dream about the past. I won’t get into it; I just woke up in a weird mood and I nothing really brought me out of it.

– I had something somewhat substantial to say when I started this. Now I’ve forgotten what that was.

– Maybe I’ll be back later.

>>>> EDIT >>>>>

– I remember what I was going to write about.  That guy in the match.com commercial, the one with the scarf.
– Mmm hmmm. . .

– With Jason not calling me, it’s looking pretty good.

– I mean, I asked him to call me earlier today, at 2:30, and he hasn’t yet and it really bothers me because I’ve been cooped up and lonely all day.  Am I being reasonable or bitchy and high-maintainence?  I don’t know.

What I’m Doing Over Break

1.  Sleeping in.  Way in.

2.  Spending time with Jason

3.  Made fudge

4.  Catching up on bad TV

5.  Going home

6.  Saving money

7.  Playing guitar

8.  Ruining lives.

Christmas Thoughts

– I’m in a weird mood right now.  I’m thinking it’s a sign of my upcoming period.  I had an unsettling dream where it was my first day of a new semester, but as I was preparing to go to my next class, I realize I don’t know what the class is or where to go at all, and I can’t find my paper that will tell me.  I’ve also had several dreams where I meet other guys and I am torn between them and Jason.  It’s only been 25 days, I don’t want to think about that.

– Not to say that I haven’t been thinking about that.  But yeah, definitely too soon.

– Anyway, I wake up really unsettled, and go about my day feeling just… uncomfortable.  On top of that, I have literally nothing to do and no one to talk to and therefore nothing can take my mind off such things and I just kind of soak in it.

– I did make fudge though.
– The band I am listening to while blogging will henceforth be included in my tags.

– I have been trying to write over break too, but I find myself staring at my word documents feeling no inspiration.  The thought of never finishing my work and never becoming a writer kills me these days.  Also killing me is the difficulty of getting work published.  It’s a really hopeless feelings.

–Anyway, I should get to sleep.  I have to go home for Christmas tomorrow.

Hi, my name is Diane

–It’s starting to get busy down at the Mac Grill. Yesterday, as I was running around and getting sat, I was awash in this feeling of dread. Of loathing. Serving didn’t energize me at all — I just wanted to get out of that place. I don’t know if it was Mac Grill, or if it was just me. Maybe I just hate serving.

–The timing for this is all wrong because I’m starting a new serving job in a much more upscale place in the Old Market. I don’t know if I can do it. At the same time, I’m not sure what other work I can do. Serving in the Old Market has the potential for a lot of money and very few, very flexible hours.

There’s like a mystery about food service, and the serving career has strange associations attached to it. Really, people just have no idea what it’s like at all.

1. Timing is everything. Quality of service can vary greatly, depending on how busy the server is. The fact that everyone wants everything quickly means that we have to do a lot of things at once, and then we have nothing to do five minutes later. But we can’t exactly have you wait five minutes either.

2. We don’t wash our hands as much as you would think.

3. We won’t spit in your food if you are rude. We just don’t care if you’re rude and you’ll get poor service because we won’t come to your table.

4. We are very open about our tips. We’ll tell each other how much we made at the end of the day. We’ll ask each other how much we made, etc.

5. Splitting checks is a huge pain in the ass (sometimes). It takes a lot of time. And things that take a lot of time are at the bottom of our list of things to do. So if you are part of a big party and want your check split, we will probably attend to our other tables before even trying to split it up. It does depend on how you want it split and the computer system, though.

6. Young people and old people and people with kids get worse service. You tip less, and you are needy. Sorry.

7. We know when we are giving bad service. Sometimes you gotta. Sometimes you just don’t give a fuck.

8. Most servers are not like me. They never even bothered to go to college, or are going to community college. They are older, smoke, drink and do other drugs. Even at more upscale places, the servers are not classy people. At the same time, simple-minded people can be good servers. Smart people can be bad servers.

For me, it’s not about dealing with people or customers, like people think. People around here are generally pleasant, or at least unremarkable. It’s more about doing several things at once, and remembering them. That’s the challenge.

–I am getting more and more apathetic as a server though. I’ll screw something up and just sigh and say fuck it. I don’t care about my tips, and I don’t care if my service is bad. I don’t think that is too normal.

–Ugggh. I have work again tomorrow. How am I going to tell them I quit?

Worth It

– Broke is broke — that’s my theory. What I mean is that once you’ve crossed the line, that’s it. For example: I am broke now, but I added $20 to a Christmas present because it would go in a small box amongst three big boxes. The proportion appealed to me and made me feel as if my gift was complete. I am very picky about proportion. I mean, just imagine it without the little box:

– What I picture is me carrying my gifts in both my arms, a big mass of matching blue plaid (like a set!), and how impressive and exciting that would look. You need at least four boxes to achieve this effect. Period.

– What I mean by “broke is broke” is that I was broke before I spent the extra $20.  This way, I’m still broke, but now, gets extra stuff.

– Broke + extra stuff for Jason > broke

– See what I mean?

– I also made cute little bows for the gift, as shown in the picture. The plaid was crying out for some kind of focal point. That, at least was free of cost. Although I did not skimp on the wrapping paper or the tissue paper.

– Presentation is everything.

– I can be a methodical gift-giver. I never got gifts as a child. Or as a teen, or right now. Not much, I mean. My mom would give me a price limit and let me into Wal-Mart, and I would pick out my own Barbie doll and play with it when I got home. I mean, she certainly never wrapped anything for me. So now, I really relish the whole present thing — way more than most people (it seems like).

My Guidelines Buying Gifts:

1. Must be something they would not have bought for themselves, but also something they would like.

2. Must be name-brand and/or fancy, even to the point of being gimmicky. Kinda stupid, but rules is rules.

3. Must be nicer than the stuff you own.

4. Must be impractical.

– I found boxes for all my gifts rather than putting them in bags, also. I love unwrapping presents and having that pile of torn paper on the floor.  For this reason, I forwent gift bags and asked my dad for two boxes, and I bought 2 shirt boxes. The tissue paper (which coordinates with the wrapping paper) is also taped shut so that you don’t unfurl your gift, nor do you lift it out from the paper. You tear the tissue paper open too.

– Other people don’t think about this kind of stuff.

– I mean, yeah, I spent more than I can afford. But I have a very special appreciation of what it feels like when someone cares about what they give you.

New

There is roughly $755 dollars in my bank account, plus some change.

Tonight at Macaroni Grill, I expect to make $30.

An additional $100 from my mother

$120 from various relatives on top of that

$90 from Lo Sole Mio

and hopefully about $100 from my ebay auction.

755+30+100+120+90+100 = 1,165

Given that I don’t eat, and that my car becomes extremely fuel efficient, I should be able to pay off my tuition with a cool $16 to spare.

This what I spend most of my day thinking about.

Being broke is like having a headache. You can think about other things, you can even forget about it, but you somehow still feel it no matter what.

I just need my temp agency to pull through for me. I just need my flake of a study abroad advisor to get me my $278 housing deposit back. I just need a lot of things to come together.

I had a weird-ass dream last night. There was an especially foul part that involved feces in my mouth. I did not put it there, I don’t know how it got there, but it got stuck in my braces. WTF, subconcious?

I did basically nothing all day. Lo Sole Mio said they’d probably call me back last night with my $$$. They did not. They did not call me back today either. Lo Sole Mio is full of some rude people who just don’t give a shit.